Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
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I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Jurassic park gets weird
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.