Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.