We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!