me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.