ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Love is always patient and kind.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.