Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
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Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
when you are just born a rebel
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial