Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.