Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
You Might Also Like
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
the three branches of government
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”