[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
you will never know the true number of layers
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker