ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
wtf management?!
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.