Me when someone tries to get to know me
You Might Also Like
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?