ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”