Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
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“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Breaking news:
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
men, we mow at sunrise.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Your secret is safeish with me
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.