me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
You Might Also Like
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
He’s dead
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it