Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
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Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this