Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
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Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.