Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Oh my God.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.