ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
You Might Also Like
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!