ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
not seeing the problem
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
That time Alicia messaged me
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children