me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Noted.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]