me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
You Might Also Like
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
my first dose meeting my second
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
the saddest jazz hands ever