*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”