I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.