Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Warm pools make me nervous.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.