Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop