Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel