ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
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Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Google Pay be like:
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early