Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
where’s Godzilla when we need him
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.