Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Knock Knock
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.