Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
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HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.