Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.