Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Saturday
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
SF is the wild wild west man
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
What is going on? 😅
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head