Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
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12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
If only.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*