My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.