Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
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In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
the dark web is just a goth google.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.