Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three