That’s easy for you to say
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Life hack
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .