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@TheAlexNevil: Me: Who's a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
@Moronyc: I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
@Matt_the_1st: 911,What's your emergency?
Me: I think it's a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you're sure, we're watching Walking Dead
@truegritrumble: GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?