ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
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Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.