ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
🤣🤣🤣🤣
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Birds & Planes.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.