Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session