ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on