me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?