ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many