Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My safe word is Worcestershire
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
In space, no one can hear…