Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.