Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
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[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
socratic questions
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.