🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.