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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
That’s fair
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Today’s Times
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.