me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*